Some days the mind races at a thousand miles an hour: we replay a conversation, imagine what the other person thought, or demand more of ourselves than is reasonable. In his book The Four Agreements, Don Miguel Ruiz put together a simple proposal, inspired by Toltec wisdom, for observing these mental habits. In this article we go over the four agreements from a practical, down-to-earth perspective, with examples and exercises for everyday life.
A note before we begin
These agreements are philosophical principles of personal development. They are not a psychological treatment or a method with scientifically guaranteed results. They can serve as a guide for reflection, but if you feel intense or persistent distress, the best course of action is to consult a mental health professional.
First agreement: be impeccable with your word
Ruiz proposes using words consciously and not against yourself or others. This includes your inner dialogue, that voice that comments on what we do almost without our noticing. Phrases like “I’m a mess” or “nothing ever goes right for me” gradually shape the image we have of ourselves.
Example
You forget an important appointment. Instead of telling yourself “how clumsy I am,” you can say “I made a mistake; how do I fix it, and what can I do so it doesn’t happen again?”
Exercise
- For one day, pay attention to the three harshest things you say to yourself.
- Write them down and rewrite each one in the tone you would use with a good friend.
- Repeat the process for a few days and notice whether your mood changes.
Second agreement: don’t take anything personally
What others say or do usually says more about their own story, their tiredness, or their point of view than about you. This doesn’t mean ignoring useful criticism, but rather distinguishing between a comment and your worth as a person.
Example
A coworker replies to your message curtly. You can think “they don’t like me,” or remember that perhaps they are having a bad day or a heavy workload. That pause reduces emotional wear and tear.
Exercise
- When something bothers you, ask yourself: “Which part is useful information and which part is the other person’s opinion or state of mind?”
- Take three deep breaths before responding.
- Keep what serves you and let go of the rest.
Third agreement: don’t make assumptions
We often fill in gaps in information with our own ideas and then react as if they were facts. This is how many misunderstandings arise, whether in a relationship, within the family, or at work.
Example
Your friend takes a while to reply and you conclude she is upset. Instead of going in circles, you can write to her: “You seem distant, is everything okay?” Asking is simpler than guessing.
Exercise
- Identify an assumption you are making right now.
- Ask yourself what real facts you have and which parts are interpretations.
- If possible, clear up the doubt with a clear, kind question.
Fourth agreement: always do your best
This agreement is often confused with self-demand, but it points in a different direction. Your best changes from day to day: it’s not the same when you are rested as when you are sick or exhausted. It’s about acting with commitment, without punishing yourself for not reaching an impossible ideal.
Example
After a bad night’s sleep, your performance drops. Doing your best may mean prioritizing two essential tasks and leaving the rest for tomorrow, without guilt.
Exercise
- At the start of the day, ask yourself: “What energy do I have today?”
- Choose realistic goals in line with it.
- At night, acknowledge what you did do before thinking about what was left undone.
How to build them into your routine
Trying to apply all four at once can be overwhelming. One option is to devote a week to each agreement and keep a notebook with brief notes: what situation came up, how you reacted, and what you would do differently. Perfection isn’t necessary; consistent practice counts for more than grand resolutions.
- Start small: choose a specific situation, such as meetings or family conversations.
- Be patient: mental habits have been forming for years and change slowly.
- Share the experience: talking about it with someone you trust helps you stay consistent.
An invitation to think differently
Watching what you say to yourself, not carrying other people’s opinions, asking instead of assuming, and adjusting your expectations to your real possibilities are simple ideas, though not always easy. Taken as a guide for reflection and not as a magic formula, the four agreements can help you observe your thoughts with more kindness and approach everyday life with a bit more calm.